High Maintenance

Be careful about entering into a relationship that requires a high investment and gives a low return. In this episode, we are called to consider how much external appearances influence our choices without experiencing all seasons with a person. 

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Hello, everyone. Welcome back to Once I Knew a Girl, a guide to navigating the complexities of relationships. I am your host, Sam Bailey. And to all those who are returning listeners, I want to say welcome back. And to all of you who are first time listeners, I just want to say welcome. If you have not yet done so, please subscribe to this podcast on all major platforms, including Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeartRadio, Google Podcasts, Amazon, Audible, and many others. As we begin this third episode today, I want to encourage you to go back and check out the first two. The first was kind of an introductory type of episode. And the last episode was, she's definitely hiding something. It was talking about the type of person who practices concealment therapy. Prior to beginning in relationships. Now, I have to say right here, just to remind you, that Once I Knew a Girl is a very subjective podcast. And it had an original aim to encourage men, young men in particular, on how to consider and examine a woman and consider certain actions and behaviors before entering into a relationship. But I believe the purpose can be to open up the dialogue. So, You're welcome to disagree. You're welcome to feel differently about what I'm stating and what I'm saying. But really, the purpose is to open eyes to consider behaviors that affect relationships. Relationships are difficult and none of us can claim that we have them down. It takes work, takes hard work, matter of fact, and it takes effort. working at oneself first before entering into some sort of commitment with another and so today i want to pick up with once i knew a girl that was high maintenance i know all the ladies are saying this is the part where i shut it off don't shut it off just yet maintenance is important right anyone who's ever purchased any item of significant value has discovered The importance of considering the object's durability when purchasing. I used to drive Toyota Camrys and I can honestly say that in all of my experiences of driving cars that they are at the top when it comes to maintenance. The purchase price was not ridiculous nor did it ever require extra services beyond the normal regularly scheduled services. And sometimes it's easy for us to forsake dependability to reach our dream car. I did that, like many of you who are listening, and I was surprised to find that my dream car turned out to be a nightmare for several reasons. I'll give you a little bit of what I mean. I've always wanted an Audi, and I was fortunate enough to trade in a Toyota Sequoia that I had to get one. The Toyota Sequoia was dependable. It had more room on the inside. I think it Seated seven to eight passengers. I mean, it had TV in the headrest for the girls to watch their favorite shows, Backyardigans, Dora, High School Musical, all that stuff from back in the day while we traveled. The exterior was impressive. And with all that being said, I could not pass up the opportunity to drive a Q7. It was kind of a midsize crossover. And at first, I was impressed by the color. I liked the color, the interior design. Audio system by Bose, which I believe is still superior today. I love having an all wheel drive vehicle. My first all wheel drive vehicle that performed. highly in different types of terrains we drove it to Orlando Florida one summer I was speaking and it was the best ride and of course when we purchased it it was used and there was no way at the time that I could possibly afford a new one or even a certified one and if you know anything about vehicles you know a car depreciates from the moment you drive it off the lot first thing that started going wrong was there was water leaking from underneath this front dashboard and It was doing it both on the driver and the passenger side. And then we started having problems with the entertainment portion of the dashboard. And lastly, we started having problems with the brakes. And it turned out that the brakes was a straw that broke the camel's back. And just to put the brakes, the right brakes back on that car, it was an easy task. $2,000 that we did not have. That's a steep amount for someone like me who grew up changing brakes on my Oldsmobile with my dad. We would just go to AutoZone, get the brakes. He showed me how to put the brakes on and we keep rolling. So when we first purchased the car I had back then in You know, my car was called Six Deep. It was Oldsmobile. It had the armrest in the middle that you would raise up and six of us could ride in it. But when we purchased this Audi, I felt like I had arrived. You know, I'm not the type of person to show off. I like to floss things. Most things, if I had certain things, if I had things that don't, I don't like to floss or show off because I don't. I think I have some kind of material thing which all of a sudden makes me better than someone else. No, but it's about me. If I achieve something, I gain something because it's something I want or something I want to enjoy. But what I had soon realized is that even though I thought I had an oddity and I was cool, I realized that I was... Becoming jealous of some people who still had their same cars that was running and had nothing wrong with it. I mean, the car was always in the shop. Something was always wrong with it. And it brought forth a valuable lesson to me. Sometimes you can afford to buy the car, but you can't afford the maintenance. See, maintenance, I realize, is not just about the exterior. Maintenance is about the engine, which resides on the inside. There are many moving parts to a vehicle that makes it work. And most importantly, it's the parts that you cannot see. It's the stuff. Stuff that's on the inside. And as I've gotten older, I'm not concerned about how I look to people and what I drive. I just want a car that's dependable, a car that gets me where I need to go, something that gives me a few luxuries that I enjoy. And I'm a music head, so I like the Bose. My ears are attuned and trained to Bose. But many of the luxury cars that we go purchase... are a pain and we we do them for the brand or the symbol that gives us status and yes it makes you feel accomplished and yes there's some features on them but at the end of the day you spend all your time and money just trying to keep it running then you're going to lose in the long term so I want to establish this concept of maintenance being crucial to considering the longevity of a relationship there are many Other men who can testify the challenges of dealing with the high maintenance woman. Now, ladies are saying there are some men who are high maintenance. That is true. But I am a man. So I'm speaking of men to woman right now. And we'll reverse that as it applies. So initially, men get sucked in because of the glitz and the glamour. of this lady. She says all the right things. She has all the right answers. Maybe the first time you saw her, she shined like that Audi on that lot. You liked every detail. She was well put together. You liked the way she wore her shoes or how her skin was so evenly moisturized. Even that soft scent of honeysuckle rose that she was wearing. Not to mention she knew how to put her outfits together. I mean, there's nothing more alluring to a man than a well put together woman. I know women like well put together men, but we like well put together women as well. So women don't often realize how much we don't pay attention to the things they think we do. Men don't spend a lot of time looking at your fingernails. That's for you or for other women. We don't know if you got your nails done. We could care less about a Michael Kors bag or your toenails. We may like the way your lip gloss is shining on your lips. We may like the way your hair blows in the wind or the way you turn red. Or whatever color you turn when we say something that touches your heart. All these things are fine, but they give no indication to what's really going on on the inside. How do you ever come to know what's going on the inside of a person? So looking at someone's social media page or even talking to the other person is not a good indicator. of the level of maintenance that is going to be required to maintain that relationship. Y'all have heard this before. Sometimes we start off with expectations too high. We start off doing things that we can't keep up over a long period of time. So it's important to know that how you start is how you're going to have to finish it. And everybody has character flaws. And you won't know about these character flaws until you spend a little time getting to know what's underneath all things. Bells and Whistles A flawless exterior paint job. And if you like me, you love to have the right color, match the rims. I mean, who doesn't like all the bells and whistles that come with luxury, right? Most people that go for luxury understand up front that they're paying for things that you might not be able to get on a standard price. Sometimes you have to pay for the name itself. Other times you have to pay for variations of speed. You have to pay for horsepower. Sometimes you have to pay for overall reputation of the brand. So we live in a TikTok, Instagram world, and everybody can show you their bells and whistles. But I'm afraid that we lack dependability and substance and quality to go with those bells and whistles. What good is there, I think, to find a girl that doesn't know how to love you? What good is a sexy lady who has anger issues underneath? I understand now why so many lease their luxury vehicles because there's a certain period of time that you can turn that lease in and upgrade it to something else. And unfortunately, we turn in relationships like their cars to be leased because we are fooled because we didn't do the research. We didn't do the homework. We didn't take the time out to look deeper than the exterior, get the car facts, get the history of it. But let me tell you something. Women are not automobiles. And I use this metaphorically to show us that we have to consider the total cost before entering into a relationship. There are some ladies, fellas that you'll come across in your life that you have to realize they serve a purpose. And maybe that purpose is to show you a good time. Maybe that purpose is to give you someone to laugh with and someone you can play some sports with. And maybe it might be someone who comes at a season of time of grief or someone was there to show you how to be a better version of yourself. Maybe she was there to be a listener. Or to help tutor you through school. Sometimes she's just great to have on your shoulder and to compliment you by caring for you and listening to you and being there to support you. So realize that. And realize that there are levels to this. Everybody doesn't come at the same pace, at the same level, with the same amount of issues. And so... We got to stop playing games. Ladies, fellas with one another. I mean, you can tell up front, whatever you're doing to reel her in, lure her in, expensive dinners, promises of trips, clothes, jewelry. I guarantee you, if you're having to do all those things to make her happy, you're going to be disappointed later. I think I see a lot of relationships where people are frustrated because... All they did during the dating period was audition for one another. Audition by taking you to your favorite restaurant, going out to movies, buying you what you want, spending time with just people that love us and know us. I always say you got to see a person in all seasons. What are you like when you wake up in the morning? What are you like when something doesn't go your way? Are you a spoiled, entitled brat? Are you a hothead, controlling, narcissistic? You know, that goes... For both men and women, I mean, we can be all these things. What are you when you lose someone? How do you respond? Have you seen them go through changes and transitions on the job? What about their own self-appraisal? How have you seen them value or devalue themselves as things have changed? in their life for the better or for the worse. These are all things to consider strongly. And there's no guarantee that a Camry won't break down, right? After all, it still is a car. And, you know, you can't be... so cautious to the point where you don't move because you, again, overgeneralize everything. Every luxury car is bad. No. But I guarantee you the maintenance on a Mercedes and an Audi and a BMW is going to cost more than a maintenance on a Jeep. You can find those Jeep parts everywhere or a GMC. And that's just... the point you got to be careful when you go foreign and some of us date foreign to us you know just people who don't mesh well with us people who we are not compatible with and you got to be compatible with it and just because you look good in it doesn't mean it's a good car for you everything that's good to you is not good for you and so ladies I don't mean to call you cars but I It takes a lot to keep up with some of y'all. It's just too much. And maybe you're looking and saying, well, why can't I? It's just too much to keep up with everything that you demand. You're demanding of everybody in your life. And I'm not saying that you shouldn't be demanding, but to the point where you can push someone away by just being so high maintenance. And I think that we have to consider that. strongly how we're impacting others. And so what can we do, fellas? Well, I think we got to stop being high maintenance as well, first of all, because it is our desire that gets us in trouble in the first place. Some of us guys have good catches right in front of us, but we're overzealous. Don't let there be a guy who He thinks he has women outnumbered. He'll surely play the game. And guys, let's be honest, we have a difficult time committing anyway, regardless if that woman is, and I quote, high maintenance or not. We just have a difficult time nowadays committing. But I think that's why the dating process has got to go back what it was intended to be. That's a courting process. It is a... An incubation period where you discover if this is something that we should go through with or that we want to go through with, not just so I can have sex or not just so I can have two incomes or not just so I can not be lonely anymore, but remember relationships, especially marriages, good marriages, they're not... They're not completion pieces. They're complimentary pieces. All right. If you're sitting around waiting for someone to complete you, that is a red flag. If you need this car to complete you, that is a red flag. Get it because you want it, not because you need it. Those are two different things. And so take it how you want to digest it, how you want to consider it. think about it share it with someone else and most importantly you got to keep on going with me on this journey down once I knew a girl again just giving you a little insight on the book that I have coming a few things again just want to encourage you to subscribe to this podcast wherever you can find it that way when these episodes drop you can be sure to get the notifications and it can come in also just remind you have another podcast as well a therapeutic podcast with my colleague Kim and the podcast is called The Gray with Cam and Sam and you can find it as well on all the other major platforms and we talk about things therapeutic of nature and our job is or our aim is just to inform to educate it's funny it's the purpose is to just raise awareness of some of the things that are going on in the realm of mental health so check that out as well Well, I want to thank you for joining today. And I know you're going to be here next time. Next episode is going to drop here real soon. So we'll see you next time on Once I Knew A Girl. Y'all be great.