Her Pain is Your Pleasure

You must be careful not to get caught up in the feeling of needing to be needed. Sometimes, a person can numb your pain by providing you with pleasure. Will that give the authentic satisfaction required to sustain the relationship long-term? Join in, and let's keep the conversation going.

Transcript

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Hello, welcome back to Once I Knew a Girl, a podcast that explores how to navigate the complexities of relationships. My name is Sam Bailey, your host, and I appreciate all my returning listeners as well as new listeners. If you can, please subscribe to this podcast wherever podcasts are found, whether it be on Google Podcasts, iHeart Music, Spotify, Pandora.com. You can find it anywhere, Audible, Amazon Music. So please subscribe. It will be greatly appreciated. To catch up on the episodes and... How this podcast came about and where we want to go with it. You can get that from the first episode, which is navigating the complexities of relationships. And again, this is a subjective podcast and from a male's perspective, but we invite women into the conversation as well. And I originally wanted to do once I knew a girl as a young man's guide to navigating the complexities. But as I began to explore this, I saw that that it's so much more to it than Today I want to talk about a girl whose pain is your pleasure sexuality, everything sexual. But pleasure comes in many forms, that euphoria, that dopamine, that high. Some people get pleasure from hitting golf balls. Some people get pleasure from baking cakes. Some people get pleasure from reading magazines. We get pleasure from many, many, many different sources. But sometimes there are people who prey on the weaknesses of others. One thing that you learn as a therapist or as a minister, as a coach or as a teacher, anyone who has the position of authority over someone is that you have to be able to be trustworthy. In other words, you see the weaknesses and the vulnerabilities in others, but you cannot exploit those things just because you can. And I never like people who take advantage of people just because they can. This is the thing that bothers me about pedophiles. It's On the surface, it looks like it's about some sexual act, but it's really about the power that they have over that child whom they should trust. A child should never feel unsafe around an adult. But unfortunately, that's just the way it is. They take advantage of the power of the authority of the situation like dictators or like people in our lives, many church leaders or leaders of government society. They take advantage of people who come to them and they trust them. And that's not a good person and that's not a good thing to do. And so there are some people who are drawn to broken people and they're drawn to broken people because sometimes we like the feeling of being able to feel They need us. It's not even that they want us. They need us. I've often said in relationships that the person you're with is not a completion piece, but a complimentary piece. That means you need to be or trying to work on being a whole, complete person yourself before you join yourself to someone else. And when you do that without being a whole, complete person, you tend to pour on and place so many real and unreal expectations that might be But they're really unrealistic for the other person on that person. And it ends up being making for a rocky relationship. And so we like feeding the insecurities. We pull them along and and we like the fact. That this person has gone through a lot. So we come in as a savior, as the one who can rescue, as one who's going to show a new way. And we feed the insecurities that need for that person to be touched or to love or to held or to talk to. And we feed it and we feed it and we feed it and we feed it. But the question is, are you really the answer to that man or that woman's problems? I mean, can you really... Be the savior for them because y'all be honest. There's some people who got some things going on and you have no idea what the source of it is, how to help them, how to fix it. I mean, you've got to do the research. And again, You'd be surprised how many people enter into relationships without doing their homework. I mean, you have to study an animal in its natural habitat to know how it really operates, how it hunts, how it handles itself, how it sleeps, what are its habits, what are its sleeping habits, how is it socially within the family order and the family structure. And so sometimes we pick up people, these stray people, and all of a sudden we're in love. And all of a sudden we use and sometimes hurt people can afford you a certain amount of pleasure because they don't really care too much for themselves. As long as you're giving them that sense of belonging or making them feel like they're needed and cared for, they will do anything for you and you will take advantage of that. Listen, just because somebody's offering you something doesn't mean you should take it. Every gift is not a good gift. I personally don't like to be in debt to anyone. In other words, hey, you owe me a favor. I want to be able to do things because I want to do it, not because, hey, I owe you a favor. It's like the whole thing on Christmas. Who do you buy Christmas gifts for? Those who have bought me a Christmas gift. And so what you realize is that she needs you more than she wants you. I am someone who believes that it ought to begin with want. And maybe over time it grows deeper into the need, but the need should come out of a place of reciprocity. I need you. You need me. We need each other. Right. And it grows from just I and you to me and we. And then it moves into us. But to becoming one is a process as well. And so there are people out there who who want to get in a relationship with you and they want to keep you insecure and they want to want you to think that you are the only one that they could ever be with. And and that's a form of manipulation. And I give you example is ladies. There might be a guy that he may never tell you how beautiful you are. Never have to tell you how how awesome your shape is or how well you can cook because he didn't want you to start believing in yourself because in his own insecurity, he thinks that if he compliments you, if he builds you up, if he lifts you up, then you're going to be blown up in the head and you're going to. Go off on this. I need to show every man this. No, really, if you're the right type of person anyway, it should humble you and it should make you feel just grateful and thankful that he's building up, building you up and that he's encouraging you. So a lot of times that person will try to oppress you. And he will try to oppress you for, or she will, for the purpose of keeping you in check and keeping you in place. Be careful about attaching yourself to needy people. I mean, a needy person just needing all of the time. I need you to hold me. I need you to call me. I need you to do this, that, and for the other. And she's broken and she's hurting and you're almost like a drug you know and she's an addict to your attention she's addicted to your affection she's addicted to the potential of what you could be she's addicted to how she feels when you're around her you have become now her pain killer you numb that her life is not how she wants it to be you numb the fact that there are things that she doesn't want to deal with the escape and so she knows that she has to Keep you pleasured to a certain degree to keep you around. So she pleasures out of pain, not out of love. And again, let's go back to what we said at the beginning. I'm not just talking about sex or anything physical. The emotional pleasure, the emotional stimulation mentally, she wants to bring you these things because she wants... to keep you around. She's afraid that if you realize how needy she was, how insecure she was, how unsure he was, if they realize this, then they may not accept me the way I am. They may decide to move on. They may realize that I'm not as confident as I appear to be. So that's really important to do that. And let me say this. Be careful about being with somebody who needs you more than you need them. And I know there are a lot of people say, I want to need the person. Do they need me? And there are people who the person can give or take, do without them. I could give, I could do with you, I could do without you. You're all emotionally invested into someone. You're all crying at night, staying up all night pondering, trying to make them love you. Oh, so I can't make you love me. If you don't, I can't make your heart do something. It won't. You can't make anybody love you. And so sometimes that person you could be. Let's see. A lot of us like to save people. We like projects. Ladies, some of y'all like projects. I need to build a bear, build a guy, see if I can put them together. first of all you got to pick what type of bear you want then you got to stuff him with the cotton and then you got to make him yeah I want to make him I want him to be like this and he's going to be my little Ken doll and I'm going to shape him and form him and get him to do everything that I want him to do and make him feel good about himself tell him everything that he wants to hear and then we get married or get in a deep relationship and realize oh you never could really build a man or build a woman you know they had to have some form of identity. You can't create an identity for another person. You can, but you're probably not going to get what it is that you truly desire is another authentic person who's with you or wants to be with you for reasons, non-superficial. So somebody saying that I'm listening, you're telling me this, that there's a possibility I could be tied to someone who has given me pleasure from a place of pain. What do I do? Well, if you find yourself in a situation like this, where you are already deeply attached and connected, you have to let that person down easy. Because what I haven't told you is that type of person can go from zero to 60, zero to 100 real quick because you're a painkiller and they're addicted. And when somebody is withdrawing from painkillers or any kind of addiction, it's hard to do. Night sweats, fever, emotional swings, all these different types of things, outbursts of anger, depression, all these things go with with with trying to deconstruct a person's mind from what they have built up to be something that is a dependent for them. And so, yeah, they may not be chemically, some may be chemically, but really emotionally dependent, which is just as dangerous as a drug that anything that you can put in the physical. When I am emotionally, mentally... attached to something or an idea it becomes difficult what you have to do if you ever find yourself in a position make sure you let that person down easy and I know there are some people who are cruel just first of all don't be a cruel person in life period you know some of y'all don't even know how to break up just not call the person just not give them a reason not an explanation that's not a good way to end things if you can y'all try to always end the relationship good I know that's not the case for everybody especially if you married to or engaged to or dating a narcissist. Sometimes the best thing to do is you just got to get out of there. There is no wrapping it up, tying the loose ends. We understand all that. But if you can let her down easy, validate her pain, validate, thank her, thank him for the way that they feel and acknowledge how they feel. And, and, and, and, you know, if it was flattering, tell them it is flattering and I appreciate it, but it's, But love is not a bandage to cover a wound. You know, sometimes we think that, oh, I need it. You get one relationship. Now I need another relationship. Now I got to find something to do. Now I need a boyfriend. Now I need a girlfriend. When do we ever just become satisfied with who we are? I mean, why is it that we always... I feel like we have to be helping somebody else. And I said this, I think, in the last episode, I believe. Ladies, y'all got to stop coaching these men, you know. And fellas, we got to stop trying to make the woman be our slaves and worship at the altar of our every command. It's supposed to be a partnership. And again, I said this before. There's no way. that you go into any relationship thinking it's going to be 50-50. That doesn't even exist. I've never seen 50-50. Matter of fact, sometimes it looks like 90-10. Other times it looks like 65-35. Other times it looks like 70-30 or 60-40. And if you're going to get somewhere near those numbers where we're both trying to bring some reciprocity, we're both trying to bring our best to the table, it's got to be somebody who's trying to bring you pleasure as well, but not from a place of pain. I'm talking about pleasure from a place of peace, pleasure from a place of purpose and a place of joy and a place of love and a place of deep connection and commitment to something greater than just some emotional outlet or something greater than just I just need you to coddle me emotionally till I get through this time. Yeah, that sounds cute for one night stand. That sounds cute for two or three week fling. But that's not something you would want for long term stability. Not something that you want from a relationship that is supposed to produce long term commitment, growth, stability and satisfaction. So consider all those things before you connect. Is this pleasure you feel? Is this connection born out of a place of pain? And if it is, you have to consider and reconsider if this is something or someone that you want or need to be connected to for your own growth and for your own well-being. Well, thank you all for joining another episode today of Once I Knew a Girl. I hope you guys enjoyed. our active participants in sharing these podcasts. And I just appreciate your support and look forward to seeing you right here next time. Peace.