Contentious - Are you tired of fighting?

How do you handle being in a relationship with someone who is contentious? Many people are struggling and trying to find the middle ground with someone not seeking peace and harmony. The episode explores how we can be better prepared to deal with this type of individual. Whether you're ready or not, you're in for a fight!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello, welcome back to Once I Knew a Girl. I'm your host, Sam Bailey. And I want to first of all begin by thanking all of you who continue to support this podcast. Thank you for joining. Please keep sharing. You can find it any platform where podcasts are found. Once I Knew a Girl is a podcast that explores the complexities of relationships. It began as a subjective perspective on what it means to be in a relationship, what it means to navigate that as a young man. But I believe it's going to evolve into a conversation that continues to occur between men and women. And so I want to invite you into the conversation. I want you ladies, too, to listen and to share this with your young man, to share with one another. And let's just keep the conversation open. If you want to know the concept or the origins behind Once I Knew a Girl, you can go back and check out the first, second, third, fourth episodes, and it will catch you up to where we are. Today, I want to talk about Once I Knew a Girl Who Was Contentious. A girl who contends, both men and women understand the nature of contention. I mean, contention can keep an organization from functioning or thriving at a high level. Contention can keep your relationship from reaching the necessary level of communication that is required for you to move in the same direction with your partner. I mean, someone who is contentious with you, they will disagree with you just for the sake of disagreeing with you. They're never in harmony with you. And I have to throw in the word compatibility. You have to be compatible. That's like trying to fit a round peg in a square hole when you're dealing with a contentious person. And sometimes it's easy to think that a contentious person is different. always the victim because that's how they paint their sales, that they are the victim and they're just fighting back because they have no other way to do it, no other reason but to defend themselves. How is it possible, fellas? And ladies, I understand that there's some men out there, but I want to address the fellas first. How is it possible to be peacefully married to a contentious woman and still be a real man? That's a tough question. Matter of fact, this society doesn't like for you to say real man because the line is blurred, right? You just are whatever you want to be and whatever you want to identify with. But I'm old fashioned. I still believe that there are things that God made a man specifically for to do emotionally, hormonally. There are differences between physically. There are differences between men and women. I think once we take that away, we cease to effectively dissect what it means to be in a relationship. And so the choices that this contentious person leaves you with is to fight back or to retreat. Nobody wants war when they come home. I mean, it's tough enough to live out in the world, be in the world, deal with things in the world. to only come home or to come to that space, which should be a sacred place, which should be a positive place, a nurturing place, only to find that you're still at war. So your contentious woman could range from one who is just annoying, Just annoying. Some people just annoying little things that they do. They purposely get on your nerves. It's just annoying how they view life, their worldview, their perspective. And then there are some are just impossible to live with. And I think there are some extremes for handling a contentious wife or contentious woman or contentious husband. And another is just to wash your hands of it. Totally take no responsibility. You just say they're the contentious one. I'm going to just try to live at peace. And then there are some people who take the alternate route of becoming a doormat. That means peace at all costs, right? And this is the much less manly. It's counterfeit peace, right? You have the dollar, but you have no value. And the only way you can see that is you got to hold it up to the light. So sometimes these relationships need to be held up to a light and a different standard to see if this is living up to what it ought to be. And so I think... We can live at peace, but we have to make sure the peace is genuine, authentic peace. Peace. So a contentious woman is that way in her nature. I think we forget that. And I think sometimes we get married and we want to change people, but we don't see they were like that when we marry them. But we were blind by white lace and promises. We were blinded by wedding cake. We were blinded by trying to gain and build a life together. And so after things settle down, I always tell couples that I counsel even premaritally before marriage, I often say, come see me in about a year. And sure enough, I'm not. those realities sink in, those personalities begin to be exposed, they begin to see things. And so when you're living with somebody who's contentious, you try to change them, but you can't change them. They have to want to change on their own. And I believe there is some narcissism at the core of some of the contention because they are unaware of their behavior and unaware how this behavior is affecting other people. So she may not even accept that she's contentious. She may not even try to understand what it is that you're trying to say, because to change behavior, you have to have a clear understanding. You have to have insight and awareness that I even have a problem, right? So You think about you're trying to be a man. You're trying to act like a man. You're trying to lead. And sometimes, you know, it's hard for some men to lead because their wives just won't follow them. And they say, I'm not supposed to lead you. I'm not supposed to follow you if you don't do this and that. His job is not to every leader in every organization. Your job is not to make everybody in your organization and your family happy. Your job is elite. And sometimes as a leader, you're you're going to disappoint some people. But I think we have to make sure if we're leading somebody that we do it with love, that we do it with compassion, that we do it with gentleness, that we do it with patience. But it's hard when someone contends with you because you can't say, hey, let's try this. They say, let's try that. They are not with you. They don't support you. And the process can be clear for understanding that there is a difference between someone who's supportive, nurturing, caring and and unified than someone who is contentious, which drives you further apart. So I think there comes a time where you have to have a clear understanding and distinction between what is under your responsibility and control. And then I often say some things you just got to turn over to God, you know, because you will never find that internal peace. And I've said this to couples, In therapy, I've said it to people in casual conversation, and I think some people are getting what I'm saying, and some people will dismiss it. The contentious person won't like it at all. But there are times where you have to disconnect. See, there are some people, relationships, I see them like this. There are some people who are together, and we talk about happily married, but they don't really know that until they've been tested, right? There are some people who are married, and it doesn't matter what they have. Don't matter if they have the right job, the right money, they just love each other. And they love each other genuinely and purely based upon nothing superficial, right? But there are some people who are together and it's life and trials and tribulations that expose the superficial nature of their dynamics. And so sometimes... you have to, if you're going to stay in that relationship and stay in that marriage long period, because some people that's the goal, right? Doesn't matter how good the relationship is. That's old school. At least we stayed together. This relationship gave no glory to God. This relationship didn't help anybody. This relationship didn't show a good example of what it's like to have a positive marriage and a positive relationship, but we stayed together and You know, we were dysfunctional, but we stayed together. We weren't happy for a lot of years, but we stayed together. And if you're going to do that, the only way you can stay in there is you have to disconnect yourself from that person. But therein lies the problem. You have a connection, right? There's a difference between union and family. And communion, right? When you are connected to someone, you have union and you're joined to them. But when you have communion, you are joined with them. So when you are with somebody, that means there's a flow. You flow into them. They flow into you. You get what you need. They get what they need. You get what you want. They get what they want. And everybody is happy. But when you're just with someone, you're occupying space, taking up space. And what a contentious person does to you more than anything is they put you and keep you on the defensive. You're always in a place where you are defending your position. And so I think it's possible that sometimes when we get into relationships, you're talking about once I knew a person, sometimes we just begin wrong and then we try to end right. And you thought it was cute when you first started, right? She's so feisty. She fights back and she disagrees with everything I say just for the sake of disagreeing. Now, let's come on, fellas. Sometimes we are hard headed. Sometimes we just some of us are just plain and simply stubborn, you know, and we're bullheaded and pigheaded or whatever. kind of head that you can think of. And we just go against the grain just to go against the grain. Ain't no woman going to tell me what to do. And so a lot of people take their past experiences, whether you had someone who controlled you, you're going to make sure in your previous relationship, I'm not going to be controlled again. Or whether you had someone who allows you to control. And I think there are some women, I've heard women say, if he lets me, I'm going to run over him. I'm like, what? What is that? What is that? That doesn't say a lot. That doesn't speak a lot to who you are as a person. If he lets me, I'm going to run over him. I got it on the surface, but who would want to be in that situation? in the first place, right? So you think about it. When someone's contentious, there are going to be many things that are going to happen in her life or in his life. A contentious person will blame you. They'll make you think that it is your fault. They're going to blame you for the poor marital relationship that is a result of the contentiousness. She's never happy. She's never satisfied. She's miserable. She don't want this. And now she's going to blame you for the way things are in that relationship. She's going to believe that she has the right to be contentious towards you because of a combined view, right? That you're not good enough for her, that she's superior to you. And I think that is at the core. Subjectively, I think that there are some people who really believe that they are superior to you and it shows. And this is one of the reasons that trying to stop her from being contentious will not work. She cannot tolerate any criticism. Usually a contentious person cannot tolerate criticism. So you get stuck in this cycle, in this blame game, in this frustration. Anything you do will never be enough. And she's not going to change based on your urgings. That's why I'm a believer in prayer. You know, you got to pray to God. Only God can change a person. But a person has got to want to change. So don't try to persuade her to understand what she's doing to you. And the relationship, because she's not going to get it. She will not respect you. He will not respect you. You will be embarrassed and it'll feel like rotten. Your bones are rotten. And then they'll play the victim. And that's what happens when the relationship goes sour. They will publicly play the victim and nobody even knows what you had to deal with. And so this controlling nature seeks to prevent you from being yourself. And it seeks to prevent you from being from experiencing and expressing your true emotions. So realize that tonight. Someone else's contentiousness is inside of them. And it's hard not to do that. It's hard not to take that stuff on yourself. It's hard not to take ownership of it. But remember, if this person asks you for an opinion, realize they're not looking for you to give the answer immediately. straight from your heart, the honest answer. They're looking to give the answer that they want to hear. And if you don't get the answer that they want to hear, they're going to whine. They're going to complain. They're going to act like the victim. They're going to shut down. And they're going to use silence sometimes as a way to manipulate and control. In other words, to disengage sometimes is a method that is commonly used to manipulate and control. There's an underlying sense that she really only cares about herself. And I think from a human perspective, it makes loving her feel as though it's not worth the effort. And that's what makes it tough. I am called to love you. I'm supposed to love you, but the effort of ciphering through the moods and the emotions and the feelings and the spectrum, right? The pendulum swings of emotions, highs and lows, and I don't know who you are today and how to deal with you today. And the root cause of all this contentiousness I believe is a strong drive to conform to the world. And she or he wants what they want. And at the core of this is entitlement. It's like the generation of kids we have going on right now. Entitlement and ingratitude go hand in hand. When you realize that no one has to do anything for you, you don't have this sense of entitlement. When you realize that nobody is God's gift to anyone, you don't have this sense of entitlement. But when your heart is filled with gratitude, you're grateful that someone even wants to love you and you try to do the best to bring out the best in that person. And that's an important thing to consider, that inner drive to bring out the best in that person. So if you're here in this space and you're thinking about your relationship or the dynamics of being with a contentious person, just realize that you married this person. You're dating this person. This is in your control. Speak truth to yourselves rather than falsehoods. And then focus on fulfilling God's purpose for your life. Sometimes we We focus too much on the other person or realize that even when someone doesn't love you and doesn't treat you well, you got to love yourself. You got to keep yourself. You got to take care of yourself and you got to find personal fulfillment in the things that you do and give the person grace. I think there are some people who can change and grow from it. And there's some people who won't. And I want to tell you to stop trying to defend yourself. It doesn't work. Sometimes it You get frustrated by trying to prove how good and worthy and lovely you are to this person. They don't want to hear it. The people that really love you and want to be with you, they know who you are. They see who you are and they'll understand it. You get your self-worth and respect, I believe, from God and your purpose from him, not another person. And so set the goal of being at peace to the extent that you can. That's important. And create a space for you to thrive and leave people to God to deal with. And I I think that's so important. And I think it's a situation that all of us can identify with, whether personally or looking at it, looking at someone who we know who has experienced it. I hope that you've enjoyed today's podcast. I hope you share this podcast. Tell somebody like, listen, you got to check this out. You got to subscribe to Once I Knew A Girl. It's on Google Podcasts. It's on iHeart. It's on Apple Podcasts. It's on Spotify. Anywhere you can find them, it's there. So I want to thank you guys for joining. Again, I'm working on putting these out more regularly till I finish the entire concept. And I appreciate it. Thank you so much. And I hope you join in right here next time on Once I Knew A Girl. Be blessed.