Infatuation - The Illusion of Love

Sometimes, it is hard to distinguish infatuation from Love. Infatuation is inflation without foundation. It's essential to know the difference between the two to be able to determine if the relationship is right for you. Join the discussion as we explore how this mindset can be an illusion. 

Transcript

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Hello, welcome back to Once I Knew a Girl. I'm your host, Sam Bailey, and I'm so appreciative to all of those who have joined today. Whether you're a first-time listener or a returning listener, your support is greatly appreciated. If you have not yet done so, please go and subscribe to this podcast, wherever podcasts are found, whether it be Apple or Spotify or Amazon, you can find this and you can share it. Once I Knew a Girl began as... a sort of rites of passage to young men who are navigating the complexities of relationships. But I believe it has evolved into a conversation that we want to bring you in on. And I want you to share with me in this. Disagree with me. Agree with me. But I really want you to contemplate and consider what it really means to be in a relationship. And I have to tell you again, this is very subjective in nature. I'm speaking from a male's point of view. And Females may think differently, and other males may think differently, but that's okay. But the conversation needs to continue to go, and it needs to continue to flow, and it needs to continue to happen. Today I want to talk about infatuation, and infatuation is the illusion of love. There are a lot of people out there that think they are in love, but they're really infatuated. I heard a quote one time that said, being in love and being listened to are so closely linked together that it's often hard to tell the difference between the two think about it some of us really don't have people to listen to us and when we find someone that listens to us and listens to us without discrimination listens to us without bias but just allows us to be ourselves, allow us to pour out our hearts without judgment. We want to draw close to them and we want to keep those people in our lives because it's really hard to find and to keep those type of people in our lives. And so sometimes you're going to come across somebody in a relationship that gives you the illusion of love and you're blinded by it because you don't know the difference between infatuation and love. And they sound the same on the surface. They often begin the same and time is what decodes the difference between the two. Let a little time go on and you can tell whether or not it was just infatuation or it was really love. I often say love is the prettiest, most beautiful, most perfect, ugliest, nastiest word in the English dictionary because it's really only demonstrated to its fullest in some of the worst situations. You know, when you love me, you're going to stick with me through it all. And sometimes when you love me You might have to let me go for my own good. So love is a tough word. It's a heavy word. Infatuation, on the other hand, is light and it's fluffy and it's superficial. And sometimes the person who is infatuated with you or the person that you're infatuated with, you don't often know how to tell the difference between the two. See, presence is everything. Presence is everything. Sometimes somebody could be infatuated with you because of how you look, whether we believe it or not. Some of you have looked at a person and said, oh, he fine, she fine. And then when you really got to know them, you realize that beauty is only skin deep. And also, let's just point this out and put this out right now. Beauty is very subjective. What might be fine to somebody... over here is not fine to another person over there you know I see sometimes women are like that's my husband he fine everybody want him no everybody does not want him everybody does not want your girl because you think they're the bomb you think they look good but I may not think that and everybody can deal with one thing and even some of the personality traits that your spouse or your significant other possesses some man might not be able to deal with this and you can just like some woman may not be able to deal with that and you can so presence is everything and some people are infatuated by the presence that you bring when you walk in the room. It could be the way that your dress flows or the way that your hair is or your makeup and they're blown away by the way that you walk or the way that you carry yourself or your speech. People are infatuated by a lot of different things, by the accomplishments that you have, by the connections that they have. They're infatuated with the confidence that you have. They might be drawn to your resilience or your personality or your smile and presence gives the illusion that That they think they know you better than what they do. And sometimes when you like the attention or crave the attention, you actually feed into that person's illusion of love. And so I want to be with you. I want to be near you. I want to be around with you. I want to have what you have. I want to feel that aura. I want to feel that power. I want the joy that you give off into the world. I want that joy in me. it becomes a point where you can, if you're not confident in who you are and you don't know who you are and be able to see it coming, you might actually like the attention at first. See, that's the thing. The type of attention you get at first, it doesn't always stay the same. And the type of attention you get at first, it goes from being cute and lovely to toxic and almost into an obsessive type of of infatuation that the person has with you. And so, you know, infatuation leads to a lot of different things. Infatuation leads to seeing real love. People tell you who you are. They're honest with you. They talk to you directly. They don't give you a false sense of self, but an accurate sense of self. Sometimes they tell you the truth, even if you don't like it, but they do it in a loving way, in a caring way, in a compassionate way. And let's be honest, sometimes somebody is going to hurt your feelings. If you've ever been in a relationship, I've never seen a relationship where the person doesn't hurt your feelings, whether it be intentional or unintentional. We try to say we're not going to do it. But the closer you are to a person, that person knows your weak spots. They know your vulnerabilities. And so that's very important. And and why would someone be see some people just in love with the idea of being in love? For many people, love is just a bandage to cover their wound. And that infatuation is, I think you can do something for me. And any good relationship has to have a level of reciprocity. I'm giving to you and you're giving to me. I'm pouring into you, you're pouring into me. And we start feeling insufficient when we find ourselves pouring into people. And that's every relationship in our lives, pouring into people who are not pouring back to us, especially us. At the magnitude or on the level that we pour into them. And so really infatuation often goes one sided. The person is so much into you, giving so much at you. They never require of you giving anything to them, which is not really normal. a good sign of a healthy relationship because you should require that that person in that relationship is pouring into you. And if they're not pouring into you, why do you continue to try to maintain it? And I think that just leads to a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, a lot of frustration, and a lot of disappointment. So Love is not a bandage to cover. I've been hurt and we got to be careful about being bonded in trauma. I've been hurt. He's been hurt. She's been hurt. So we got the same hurt. So let's get together. No, no. He he listens to me. So maybe he's the answer to my problem. She knows exactly what to say at the right moment. So maybe she's the one. It's not a bandage to cover a wound. And so, you know, sometimes it's. You got to consider, are you this person's alternative or are they catching you on the reach? Sometimes that person is infatuated with you. They are the type of person that will catch you off the rebound because you've been broken down, you've been beat down, you've been hurt. And all of a sudden, here comes somebody coming along that's saying everything that's opposite of what you've been through and what you're going through. The person before talked down to you and this person lifts you up. The person before you didn't like the way you wore your hair and didn't like a certain And now the new person who's coming along, who's infatuated, is telling you everything that you wanted to hear. But the question is, have they been tested? Have they been tried? I often say, if you really want to know what a person is and who they are, you've got to live with them through all seasons, winter, summer, spring, fall. It tells a lot about you. A person. So you can't just live with them in the summertime. Right. Everything's hot, steamy and it's passionate. You know, how do they handle the winter when things are dry and bare and how do they handle your your successes? I think that's so important because some people like to to be the person, you know. to bring you out of a hole. They like saving people. They like to see you down. But what if you were truly successful? Could they support you? Would the narrative be different if you didn't have struggles, if they weren't your savior, if they weren't the one that providing the the necessary outlet that you need in your life. And I think that you got to be careful too. When someone's infatuated with you, that can almost lead to an unhealthy relationship that puts you in danger. Y'all seen the movie Thin Line Between Love and Hate? It was a classic that came out of me and my brothers and sisters. We watched it many times. Martin Lawrence and Len Whitfield, I believed, and he was really just trying to get her in bed. And she was trying to warn him, hey, I've been through some bad situations before And he was like, I know, I know. And right about the point where he was getting ready to sleep with her and go all the way, he said, I love you. And she was almost in tears, almost like she had been waiting for a long time to hear somebody say, I love you. And it was like that trigger word. Some people are so in need of love. You know, we don't really see it. We can't look. Look past it. And he said, I love you. And she said, you do. And she was really taking it to heart. But he knew that I love you was going to be the ticket to get her in bed and have sex with her and sleep with her and go all the way. Was he really serious with her? No, he was just trying to conquer it. You know, like a lot of people out there today, they will say whatever they have to do in infatuation to conquer you to get to their bottom line. Well, listen, be careful, guys. Be careful about playing with the woman's heart. Ladies, be careful about playing games with the man because you may mean it at the time, but don't say anything that you don't mean, especially the L word. I mean, because I'm the type of you tell me you love me. I believe you really mean it. And I don't think you love me to playing games because telling you telling me you love me is not going to get you where you where you're going to go. You know, I'm looking at actions. I'm not looking at words. So Martin said he loved her. Next thing you know, they had the whole scene. They had sex. Got up, went on the next way, and then he thought he could go on with his life. But she wasn't having any of that. She was like, hold on. You said you love me. He wasn't showing up for her birthday. Next thing you know, he's getting bricks through his car window, birthday cake with a knife in it. And he was trying to break it off. He's like, hey, she was crazy. Well, he was infatuated with her, right? And his infatuation led him to get her to let down her wall. And she really thought, I believe she really thought, like many people, I thought you loved me when you said it. And if you tell somebody you love them and you don't show that, you're setting yourself up for either the response, really either response. You would rather have the response where the person just ignores you altogether and doesn't even fool with you no more. But sometimes you can get a very hostile response, which is to come back and attack you and do some harm to you because a lot of people don't know how to handle rejection. So when you talk about infatuation, it often leads to inflation. It's an inflated view of that person that puts them, elevates them beyond what is really reasonable. And so often with infatuation comes a lot of expectation, too, because I'm making you to be more than you are. Instead of seeing you for who you really are, you're just a man and you're just a woman who's a human. And sometimes... has flaws and we're all perfectly imperfect, but don't use words to manipulate me. Don't play off of my insecurities to get inside of my head, sometimes to get inside my bed or to get inside my pocket or to get inside the space and the place that I occupy. And so infatuation can kind of be an illusion. How do you know somebody just likes you or that they're really in love with you? I think in counseling and marriage, I often ask couples, do you like this person? What do you like about them? Because you I read from the Holy Scriptures that I have to love my enemies. But you talk about love. Love goes beyond how I feel. Love and like are two different things. A lot of people live with each other, and they have to love you. You have to love your enemies. You'd have to forgive. But to like you, that's a whole different story. So that's the question. Do they like you? Or is it conditional? Or is it positional? Do they like you based upon conditions? Do they like you based upon your position? Or do they like you for genuinely who you are? But the question is, if they don't really know you, how can they say they like you? Now, I have to say, as a true romantic, I believe that people can fall in love at different paces and different speeds. Sometimes you can really see a person for who they are. And it's not infatuation. I genuinely have fallen in love with them. You can fall in love with somebody via a conversation. You can fall in love with somebody just by listening to them, by seeing them, by watching how they treat somebody. I think that those things are really important. But I think, how do you handle that? What does that lead you to do? A lot of you listening today have been in love with different people at different points in your life, and they've never known it. You just tucked it in, you process it, and you realize, I love them, but... wrong as I had another episode, wrong person, right person, wrong time, or coming soon, the one who got away. And that's just what it was. But that doesn't mean my love wasn't real. But it didn't mean I was going to stalk them either. It didn't mean that I was going to put them in a bad position to make a choice, me or nobody else. You know, that's not what love is. You know, if you love somebody or something, sometimes you got to be able to let it go. And that's important as well to the process. So I hope that that you handle it correctly, that we all handle it correctly if we perceive that it is truly infatuation instead of love. Infatuation can give the illusion of love. And all of us got to ask ourselves that, you know, am I just infatuated with this person? Am I just drawn to something superficial or am I truly in love? Love is a process. Love is a journey. And love really has got to be displayed Through time, it's got to be shown. Through time, it's got to stand the test of time to be proven if it really is love. I don't know where you fit today. I don't know whether you're the one that's being pursued or whether you are the pursuer. But you got to consider if it is infatuation, the illusion of love, or if it's really love. Well, let's keep the conversation going. Share this with somebody else. Ask someone the questions that were posed in this podcast and just keep on listening. Thank you for joining. I appreciate your support. And we'll check you out next time right here on Once I Knew A Girl. Be blessed.