Self-absorbed

This type of person is into you but not as much as they are into themselves. One has to be careful around this type of person because they can lure you in and use you for what you can do for them. Join in the conversation as we continue to navigate the complexities together. 

Transcript

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Hello everyone and welcome back to Once I Knew A Girl. I am your host Sam Bailey. I appreciate all you for joining here today and whoever you are, wherever you are, just want to let you know that we appreciate you. If you have not yet done so, please subscribe to the podcast. You can find it wherever podcasts are found. That can be Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Audible, Spotify, iHeart, and these various platforms allow you to get notifications when a new episode comes up. So I know it's been a while, y'all, since I had my last episode, but it's just life as they say. Life Be Lifin' The idea began with a very subjective viewpoint from a male's point of view, which it is. That's why it's Once I Knew a Girl. But we want women to be a part of this conversation as well. And so today's episode picks up with Once I Knew a Girl that was into me, but not as much as she was into herself. I'm going to make this personal to you. She was into you or he was into you, but not as much. as they were into themselves. This is hard, right? Many of us have been there. And if we had time, we could tell our stories of being dedicated, being committed, being all in, making sacrifices, even making life changes for a person who does not give you the same energy, same effort, and the same time that you give them. And this is tricky because at first, They are everything that you desire, everything that you imagine, everything that you dream. And like with any real relationship, it takes time to uncover the things both good and bad. Sometimes the good in a person, the real good that is. impactful and influential to you, you can't even see it and understand it until time rolls on. And sometimes you have to look back at it reflectively to see what type of person this person really is and how they really have added some real value to your life. And so being into me. seems on the surface something that I want, right? All of us want somebody who's into us. You hear people say that. That was a movie years ago. He's just not that into you. And sometimes we don't realize that. We don't recognize that from the start if a person is into us or not until we are in too deep to really realize and to really understand the nature of this and how this is going to affect us in the long term. First of all, I will say that this person is self-seeking. which means that they are in the relationship to see what they can get out of it. And I stated this yesterday that on my Facebook page, that it's time to be around people who can do more for you than what they're trying to get from you, who are ready to do for you. Because we're always around people that pull on us, that take from us, that drain us. But what about the people who want to pour into our lives, the people who want to be contributors to our lives, the people who want to be assets and not liabilities, because there are some people who are just liabilities. The cost is higher to be in the relationship with them than it is to break away and have independence and freedom from them. She's into you, but just not as much as she's into herself. She is self-absorbed. Self-absorbed. Think about what water does. It conforms to everything, whether it's in a milk jug or a glass or in a lake. And I think about a sponge. A sponge absorbs that easily conformable sponge absorbs. She can conform to you. He can conform to you and just easily absorbed in oneself, which means that that they are into themselves so much that it's just they're full of themselves and everything revolves around them. Everything is about them. And when you begin conversations, they always end up with me. What about me? What about my feelings? Yeah, I've been through that same thing. And they make everything about them sometimes in ways and areas that it shouldn't be about them. I'll give you an example of this. They like to one up. You know what one uppers are? You know, we've been around them. Hey, I got a job. I got a job. And a raise. I got a new car. Yeah, I got a new car and it's got twin turbos. You know, I graduated from college. Well, I graduated with honors. I was on the dean's list. They're always trying to one up you. I got new growth in my hair. Well, I got double growth in my hair. You know, I don't know what it is, but I always try to look what I got for Christmas. Well, look what I got. I was trying to one up you. And sometimes when someone's into you, but they're not as much into you as they are themselves, maybe you both have kids. And the conversation is about their kids. And you tell them about your kids and they tell you about what their kids have done. Or you tell them about what you've accomplished in your job. And I know it seems like it's just good conversation. But after a while, over a prolonged period of time, that's going to wear on you. Constantly having to validate someone and constantly having to allow the conversation to shift to another person. That can be frustrating. But not only one upping. What about one downing? My head hurts, my head hurts, and my knee hurts. You know, I lost my mom a few years ago. Well, I lost my mom and my dad and my grandmother. I'm going through depression. Well, I suffer with depression and anxiety, right? They one down you because it, again, always has to be about them. And that's the difference between sympathy and empathy, right? They probably aren't very empathetic. Sympathy means I feel sorry for you. I feel for you. You fall down in a hole. Oh, you fell down in a hole. How did you get down there? I'm so sorry you're down there. Empathy is you fell in a hole. I'll be down in a minute to get you out. I know that I don't know exactly how you feel, but I know I'm going to feel with you different than feeling for you. So I'm in the conversation. I'm listening to what you're saying, not just to try to get some kind of response or to reply or to one up or one down. I am in to you. I'm not into what you can do for me. I'm not into you just because you give me advice. I'm not into you because you so-called complete me. And that's a whole nother thing. I wish I had time to talk about that. You know, we need to be whole people instead of trying to hook up, joining somebody else. And we're incompletes. We think two incompletes make a whole. No, it doesn't work like that. The relationships that thrive and that are the best are when two whole people come together and they don't have identity crisis. They know who they are and they know that this person is a complete. is a complimentary piece, not a completion piece. And so therefore you lower the expectation of that other person. And then when you lower the expectation, you lower the disappointment. So when expectation doesn't match our reality, you're left with disappointment, right? So this person is very persuasive and they will have you believing. Yeah, they want your attention, but they only want your attention because they need your attention because they're often disappointed. Attention seeking. All right. And I think it's so important to realize that that auditioning is going to occur with this person. I think that's what's kind of wrong with the dating scene now. You know, I often used to say if I'm going to marry you or get married. close to you or be serious with you, I need to see your bad days. I need to see how you react to disappointment. I need to see what your communication style is. I need to know how you handle conflict, not just, can we go out to eat? Do you know how to dance? Do you look good? Are you fine? Does she have a booty? Does he have a chest? Do they got money? What's their education stat? I mean, it has to be deeper than that. Who are they? Who is this person? What's their mindset? What's their foundation? You can study apes at a zoo, but if you want to know what an ape is really like, you got to study it in its natural habitat. Who are the people around them? Where do they come from? Why are they seeking attention? Why do they become so easily attached to people? These are all questions that need to be asked. and addressed and answered if possible because the auditioning will occur an actor you know the hypocrite means someone who wears a mask someone who's two-faced right they in action and they put on their mask and they give you exactly what you need hey this is what we desire from the part you show them your skills you put on the character you go into to the character you goes so deep into the character that you want to become one with the character. And we want to see no distinction between you and the person that you're playing. We want you to be so believable that we actually believe you are the character. And so they make you believe that they are that person. He is that dude. She is that girl. And so they audition, but it's because they want They want you to be into them. And they want to be everything that you want and everything that you need. But it's really about the attention seeking because who doesn't turn around and give a person that they think that's into them the attention that they need? Oh, man, she really likes me. She really pays attention to what I'm saying. But at the end of the day, you see those relationships evolve and they change and they switch up because after a while, it's like, hey... This person I look up, what do they really add to my life? What kind of value do they add to my life? And really, what is it that I am gaining and benefiting from this person? These conversations always end up with them. At the end of the day, we always got to do what they want to do. I'm always having to be the one to lift them up and to reaffirm them and to confirm their ideas. When would we ever do what I want to do? And I often say in relationships, how you start off is how you're going to finish. So be careful how you start off. If you start off coddling, giving into everything that this person wants and being fooled or deceived by the attention that they give you, it's going to be a frustrating thing. Because not only when you talk about this, this auditioning and acting, this ability to be able to make you feel that they are the only person that you need can be deceptive as well. Somebody says, well, what do I do if I find myself in this position where someone is into me and I feel like they're into me, but I'm realizing that they're not into me as much as I'm into myself? This is tricky because people often say in relationships, relationships are 50-50. When have you ever seen a relationship that was 50-50? I might have said this on one of my prior podcasts, 50-50 or 100-100. When is that where everybody's giving 100% all of the time or everybody's bringing the same equal half. I don't know where we get this stuff. We get a lot of things and we start believing them. It's like I was saying earlier, people say you can't judge a book by the cover. Yes, you can. Why do you think people spend thousands of dollars on the graphics and the cover? Because most of the time when people go to Barnes and Noble or the library. Or wherever they go, what do they do? They look at the cover of the book to see if it's something that they like and if it's something that they're interested in. And even though you shouldn't, you can. So a lot of times you can see that person. You can see it from a distance, but maybe you choose to go on. Maybe you choose to ignore some things because you try not to do that. I can't judge what I'm seeing. You're seeing, you're hearing it. It's coming out of their own mouth. They're telling you who they are. And I'm like... Maya Angelou heard her say one time, people show you who they are, believe them. And that's a powerful thing. How do you do this if you find that someone's into you, but not as much as they're into themselves? Well, you're going to get tired of, again, trying to validate and confirm them and reassure them in all of their insecurities. So one of the things is just be honest with this type of person. And most of the time when you confront them about this, Be prepared to know that they're probably not going to Admit to it because they probably lack some level of self-awareness, awareness like I really see who I am. I know him. If they really were aware of that in the first place, you might not even be having the issues that you're having at this current moment. So that's important to make it known to them. And and to you have to find a way to create and maintain healthy boundaries in that place, because the healthy boundaries are what allow you to keep that person at the proper distance, at the proper space. space to know that this is, hey, what I can tolerate and this is what I cannot tolerate. And then lastly, you have to realize that love is not a bandage to cover a wound. Just because the relationship is over with this person is not what you think it is and what it ought to be doesn't mean that you just immediately jump into something different or jump onto the next. But you got to really stay focused on where you're going, what you're determined to do, and just know that The best days that are ahead of you for your relationship or for your life, if you just continue to focus on what really matters instead of those things that don't matter at all, because there's a lot of things that don't matter that's easy to focus on. I just hope today that you would find that if you're into looking for a relationship right now, you might even be looking for a relationship. But if you are seeking one, make sure you seek one that the feelings are mutual. Make sure you can find one where the person seeks to try to understand who you are and where you desire to go. And then you can truly find satisfaction in a relationship instead of disappointment. Well, I thank you for joining today. And I really appreciate your support. And I would appreciate if you subscribe and tell others about this podcast if you like it. I think I know we have listeners from all over the country and the world. And I'm so grateful to you. Let's keep the conversation going. So we'll see you next time right here on Once I Knew a Girl. Thank you.